Challenging relationships

Sitting in a therapist's chair provides an interesting perspective on relationship conflicts.  When we are knee deep in a difficult relationship, it is hard to see clearly what is going on.  It is easy to become confused about who is responsible for what, about what has been done to who, about how best to react in a conflict.  I watch people struggle with self-doubt as they try to have an expectation that they will be treated well by their partner, or their parent, but find that their daily experience with that person is not one of good treatment.  Depending on what we have been through in life, we may have a really hard time standing up for ourselves.  It becomes easy to accept blame from someone else when in fact, the other person is not being truly accountable for their own behavior.

​The people who come into therapy tend to be people who set a high standard for themselves.  They want to take responsibility for the way the act, for their own foibles, for the goals they have in relationship.  Unfortunately there are people in the world who don't have the same feelings about their own behavior.  They are willing to allow other people to take more responsibility than they should for what happens between two people.  It can be very painful when you love someone who doesn't take their fair share in relationship with you.  At best, you might blame yourself and keep working for improvement and be scratching your head about why your relationship isn't getting better.  At worst, you might accept the blame and feel like you are a bad person.  Or you might become accustomed to bad treatment, you might get used to a life where you are being used or controlled by someone else.  From where I sit, it becomes clear when someone is not willing to engage in a reciprocal relationship.  I try to help people sort out this painful dilemma:  what do you do when being in the relationship causes you great pain but you feel scared to death when you think of changing it?